Once it was wanting to stand up with the best in my profession. Once my ego was fuelled with the desire to be noticed. Once I felt as if I was a reservoir of knowledge. Always I wanted to be of assistance. Many times, I wondered what that meant.All it took was breaking me ankle. Letting someone know that I had problems seeing in the dark and trusting that person would guide me safely to the start of our walk. Those actions left me engulfed in fear for many years. That event began a series of many changes that left me vulnerable to chaos. Chaos always brings change which may not be to your liking.

Chaos makes change. Like a fast moving storm, just getting out of the way takes all of strength a lifetime has created and then some. Now the focus of my life is forced to change. Having to depend on others feels like failure and not comfortable. There is no self reliance anymore. but there are people who will step up. Thank the many gods that guard our space. Just remember that the ghosts of your past will surface from time to time.

Having completed my college education during a major recession, choosing a new direction in life takes courage and my courage was tempered by a young daughter. The nagging guilt of failure to meet american success is always complicated by both marital status, family status and familial status. I felt I was  the first divorce and the first to graduate from college. All not true of course, but we do lie to ourselves. A story may become mythic fact or urban fantasy.

Some how we keep redoing the issues that started years previously. Alone in the sea of life and looking for a new oar and a new direction to take to get to shore. I should have reminded myself that missteps are bound to happen.

a series of thoughts to clear my mind.via Blogger: Blogger Dashboard.